Understanding There is No Understanding Addiction

Unless it has touched your life in a first person or first connection way, addiction is something difficult to wrap the mind around. Engaging in a type of [mostly] self-destructive behaviour goes against our instinct to survive, in theory. This is what makes the study of the psychology of addiction so difficult and full of theories but not one foolproof solution. Are there genetic predispositions? What pushes people in this direction psychologically? How do you break this down in each person and then break the cycle?

I had a pretty traditional perspective on addiction as a young person, believing in the power to "just quit" and "tough love". I have watched my mom, a smoker since 1965, mostly unwilling, but also unable to quit cigarettes. I would toy with the idea of trashing her packs but knew in my heart it was futile. Even she refers to her smoking as Pavlovian; somehow the associations are there, the triggers, and they're just really difficult to break. The mental addiction is as strong or stronger than the physical.

There is also the issue of the consequences being vague and distant. So she might get cancer, or she might not. This makes the urgency of quitting always something that can be done tomorrow. She's never crashed a car smoking under the influence of cigarettes, or gotten arrested in a nicotine fueled brawl. And as expensive as the habit is, we never almost lost our home to it.

When hearing stories of more pressing kind of addictions, I would chide what seemed like unwillingness on the addict's part and enabling behaviour that surrounded them. And then I saw, for lack of a better word, acute addition up close. This person, who I loved dearly, had been told that death was waiting around the corner, had already brushed up against it and come back. And, yet, it was as though they insisted on killing themselves.

I think, first of all, there is a related general psychological tendency at play in these situations, which is denial. The ability to be in denial about almost anything in our lives (and denial can come in the form of downplaying), is pretty astounding when you think of it. Whether it's something crazy like how many refuse to flee a hurricane or war zone, or wanting to see the best in an abusive spouse, denial serves as a temporary relief from crushing fear or stress. On top of addiction itself, addicts, and those around them can be in all sorts of states of denial: "It's not so bad, I'm not like so and so", or "I don't get totally wasted" and the CLASSIC "I can quit anytime."

When faced with an addict who was sliding, for the Xth time into their deadly behaviour, at first I was thinking they had it under control because they seemed under control. More precisely, I wanted this to be true. So, inadvertently, I was the enabler I'd always scorned. And as I became aware, I saw the spiral that was happening and I was confused and helpless, and even angry in the face of it.

Having escaped a brush with death six years prior, and been told that engaging with the addictive substance again would be deadly, why and how would this person not stop? I mean, they would for awhile. Abstinent periods would be followed by very indulgent periods, and when I say indulgent, I mean I have literally seen nothing like this in my life, and I wish never to again. And death would creep very, very close, close enough to temporarily override the addiction, and then would come a a good spell. And with this came the cycle of hope/denial.

And when the cycle went into the other phase, the tears of frustration started. How could he do this to himself was one question, but also, if he couldn't do better for himself, why not for his mother? Couldn't he see what this was doing to her? Initially I wondered why she didn't have him committed to treatment, as I'm sure others did. Well, guess what, it's not that easy legally, first of all. But also emotionally. Sometimes you think you can help by being closer, within arms' length, and knowing that anything done by force will not just alienate, it will reduce the amount you can influence the situation. There are just NO EASY ANSWERS. What works for one won't for another, and that's it.

Obviously there was something that started and fueled this addiction, but what exactly, I will never know. Was it partly genetic? Was there a depression untreated? What I do know is that I fumbled in my ignorance, I aided and abetted, and then I wasted time being frustrated and angry. The last time I tried to assist, with my very last dollar at the time, I felt I got burned. So I withdrew in an act of "tough love", as did others. But this didn't work. And I should have known it wouldn't because I had already seen the demon of this addiction up close.

After a year or so, we glided back in touch and everything seemed to be back on track. It was so good to be talking again. And then I saw the new Facebook picture and my heart sank. A beautiful photograph in every artistic way; him seated elegantly in a stylish apartment, the lights and the shadows just right. And to the edge of the photograph was the object of his addiction. Somehow I just knew and I started crying. I knew he was not going to survive this go-around. I began texting and telling him to join WhatsApp as I needed more contact, I wanted to keep him close, even though I was across the Atlantic. I knew that once he withdrew socially it was over. And three days after my last unanswered text, the thief that is addiction stole him away.

I have thought about it so much over the last ten years, five since facing the addiction up close, and almost five since he was was taken from us. And I still don't really know what anyone could have done differently. I know only that this addiction was bigger than him, bigger than everyone who loved him, and that there was no clear answer. My advice, if you have an addict you love in you life, is the following:

1. Don't be in denial. This is the biggest form of enablement. It will be difficult, but to be firm in supporting good decisions and not supporting poor ones can only be done if there is zero denial.

2. Tough love should only be dealt out when it is your own self of family that needs to be preserved. If this person is a danger to you, your home or pushing your emotional well-being to a point of breaking, then you may need to withdraw from an addict. If you can be there for them but aren't out of principle, this is just a shame. For each person the line is somewhere different. In my case, I withdrew unnecessarily, I could have stayed closer without being burned to the ground.

3. Hate the addiction, not the addict. If the person, without their addiction is worth loving, they are worth loving with their addiction, even if it is very difficult. And, again, being angry with them is a totally natural emotion, but one that just wastes more of the time the addiction is trying to steal from you.

It's not a clear and easy prescription, and it's not a solution. Just remember that if someone you love is struggling, that they are struggling with something so powerful that it can override love of family, children, and even life. Don't be angry when they choose the addiction over you, that's not how it is. Just love them from as close or afar as you can stand and make sure it is abundantly clear that if they want help, it's there.

Shortly after his first escape from death, 11 years before he succumbed in battle, this beautiful person penned a poem, one that is haunting now. This poem acknowledges that he almost died, that he got a second chance, and that it is a long fight back. Yet, the poem was so full of optimism that it was easy to miss at the time the lines that almost foreshadowed a tragic ending.

"Keep your eyes open and remember what you've got  don't hold back the tears of sadness, depression,  happiness, and what not.  Live each day as your last, and keep yourself together  Because everyone knows birthdays don't last  forever."

- Someone I miss every day